When did ugly christmas sweaters become a thing? When did we switch up the pretty party dresses and holiday themed outfits with such bewildering red sweaters. If you’re wondering the same thing I have a theory: If Mindy Lahiri and Buddy the Elf had a kid, he’d grow up to be a judgmental elf with a style not even Santa Clause himself could handle. He’d dedicate himself to designing sweaters he saw as perfection and sell them to the mom and pop shops where only grandmothers understood the purest beauty of those patched up, and sometimes lit up, sweaters. After their purchase, they would wrap them up real well, stuff a christmas card (that results in just slight and pretty rare chuckle) with a few dollars and a slightly offensive message (if we’re lucky) in there and gift them to the hands of their most beloved grandkids.
Danny the elf never thought that in the year 2016, he’d finally get the big break he deserved despite that fact they’d be forever categorized as the ugliest masterpiece of all holiday cheer.
I fell victim of buying one of these hideous sweaters last year and wore it to a christmas party in Florida. Yes, in good old 80-degrees-in-December Florida. Big mistake. I was sweating more than I do after a 10 minute jog or sadly, from just walking up a flight of stairs. All I wanted to do was take it off and be happy but every time I tried, someone would ask why I wasn’t wearing my ugly sweater at the ugly christmas sweater party. I’m sorry are you some sort of reptile that can’t feel the heat? I secretly hated everyone and wished the worst white elephant gift upon all of them. Everyone looked so damn cheerful while I was slowly dying of a very, merry heat store. My make up looked as if a two year old had painted my face and then had a dog slobber all over it.
Underneath my ugly patched up sweater was a beautiful white dress and a pair of very chic heels which was sadly covered in sweat and red wine from trying to frantically take off my sweater while no one was watching. I just didn’t take into the account the guy opening the bottle of wine standing behind me. I was forced to rock that boiling hot sweater all night long. This is why I refuse to attend another ugly Christmas sweater again.
I just wanted to look as cute as the girl who didn’t get the ugly christmas sweater memo. Her perfect blonde balayage was clipped up in a beautiful bow and her beautiful cropped sheer sweater was as thin as paper. Why couldn’t my ugly be that thin? Her smile didn’t look as creepy and miserable as the rest of ours because the climate couldn’t spend the night torturing her. She looked like a magazine ad for the picture perfect christmas family but she was like the fake daughter that is too pretty and down to earth to even belong in that family, kind of like Kendall Jenner.
So to everyone who so desperately want to host a christmas party, can we please leave those ugly sweaters for Danny the elf and put on a few dresses instead this December?
a soon to be very angry and very sweaty girl in a stupid red sweater
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