As I sit here at Starbucks ruminatively, with one leg on the high chair next to mine and the other crossed over with my foot resting on my upper thigh, I tune off everyone in the room and think. I wasn’t aware of any of it. I wasn’t aware of the gloominess of it all. This was not properly displayed on the description label that was handed to me upon my final steps towards graduation. Weak and angrily, I rummage through the Tory Burch tote to pull out my agenda but I have all too similar thoughts of the books, the papers, the scraps and all the doodles next to those incomprehensible notes that were in here not too long ago that makes me wonder, now what? I began this journey with a path full of economic endeavors and marketing encounters to finally find whatever it was that I was looking for but it seems to have left me deeper into the maze than I ever wanted be. I am lost and alone but there isn’t a sight of fear or loneliness. Contrary to how this perplexing journey began – in utter ignorance and indecisiveness – the realization of what finding the exit to this endless maze really meant came to me.
Finding the exit is the easy way out. There is no ending, no finish line, no open door to success. After what felt like eternalness it was not until the last six months that the notion of locking myself in was the only way out; To better myself and finding a passionate dedication to what I love the most. I will study every crack on the wall, every chilling turn and every bitter corner. I’ll meet every soul the has slivered over every path, understand where every step will lead to and become the expert to my most passionate surroundings. I shouldn’t give myself a deadline nor be defined by a single sheet of paper. The loopholes, the connections, the perpetual inquiry of open ended questions and the desire to evolve that knowledge and intelligence about the things that thrill me should be infinite because I’ve fallen so madly in love that I want to know every single inch of every single imperfection. As we, and The Who, so vividly talk about our generation (Y) that has made it pervasively clear that we aren’t defined by our line of work but by what we passionately love the most. And if what we love isn’t there, we will build and sculpt it ourselves.
If the path becomes a little lonely, you’ll be impelled to stop along the way and meet a few bodies that will knock you down and others that will help you get back up but not one will be able to fix your troubles. Change and bewilderment is a good thing and a step toward self empowerment. I graduated, now what? For too long, I told myself that pursuing a higher education was out of the question and now here I am, nervous and hectically contemplating about all the shit that’s changed and I’m thrilled. I’ll be sitting, reading, working, and counting down the days in my Christian Dior striped wedges and a little black dress as I wait to hear the words of acceptance to purse this endless journey through these inescapable walls.
I’m dancing with myself and I know Billy Idol would be proud because the thing I’ve learned thus far is that solitude is good for the soul and so is never finding the way out.